Goodbye 2014

I ended 2014 with working an 8-hour shift and spending the rest of the night counting down its end with family and friends. At this moment, I am lying down on my bed and even though my body is ready to rest, my mind is unable to keep its peace until I write this blog post.

The beginning of 2014 was quite unwelcoming and too many tears were shed for quite a while. Even if it wasn’t exactly smooth sailing from the climax of ‘tragedy’, I recovered. That is the word of my year exactly, ‘recovery’. Returning home to family and attempting to re-adjust to which once was familiarity was most difficult. Old ways of living alone in Vancouver had to be forgotten and trying to get accustomed to rules again did not come easy. I refused to make friends because I rebuilt my barrier from trust. I found my old self again: hidden behind books, strumming strings or passing hours in front of the computer screen. I admit I wasn’t exactly happy, but I was at the very least, no longer in tears.

If there were things I learned from 2014, it was finding my weaknesses:

1) It’s not wrong to be kind, but do not let people forget you’re human too.

2) Be honest with your emotions, but carry it out with control and poise.

3) Do not fall in love so easily. Neither should you wait for it.

4) Stop assuming. Stop expecting.

It has been years since I’ve made myself a New Year’s Resolution. My sisters have called me ‘hipster’ for not doing so, and despite this title, I stand my ground. I believe that change comes in increments. The introduction of a new year should not be exclusive to the beginning of change or establishment of goals. We are given our whole lives to constantly learn and make changes therefore, take it day by day.

Even though it’s officially 2015, I am only ready now to say goodbye to 2014. It was a year of emotions and lessons and for all, I’m grateful for. It has brought me closer to finding myself and figuring out what I strive to become. I am beyond thankful for everything and everyone in my life. Cheers to a new one!

A plus tard et avec l’amour!

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Armoury

DSC03552Indeed, I am the pessimist
Who despises all holidays
Celebratory of all things ‘exclusive’
Dated,
Waited.
Are they reminder of our flaws,
Our shortcomings
Where jokes, only for April
Finding ‘extra’ on Thanksgiving
Or when we,
Become ‘changed’ persons by January.
But how many deaths are required
Bitter reminders of our own lives
Yesterday, belittled
Grandiose, the next
How many does it take
Fired bullets or ceasing breaths
Will strike us alive
Open our eyes
To see constant appreciation
In both good and bad.
I am victim to such flaws
Wish immune from complaints
And small talks;
In need of a brighter mind
And shoulders bare,
Bear a little lighter
Because why must we carry such heavy weights
Let’s adjust a little
Change,
Slow, if need be
In removing our protective armouries.


There are so many simultaneous feelings that have been lingering in me and the overwhelming weight of all such things has been dragging me down. There is a constant battle between pessimistic tendencies overpowering optimism, but why does the news of death cause a sudden reverse (optimism over the other) that in the end, makes me feel more or less guilty. Simply put, I want to find a little more appreciation in life without needing reminders, nor incentives. I feel as though we are all wearing armoury we do not require, bearing weight that is heavier than we really have.

We Have Grown

SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURESHow quickly time has passed
Did we realize we were a few inches taller
Younger siblings with phones, much bolder
Our tongues have become accustomed to things bitter
Beer, but never bittermelon.
We are still kids at heart
And that, our parents will always know
But we cannot stop conversations from changing
How old have we gotten to mention such things:
Like jobs, rings and heavy shoulders
As the world weighs heavier by the minute
Populated with better and better.
Though I know I will always be lucky
To know I still have friends and family to support me
To enjoy amidst a storm,
To smile against all the worries,
To find time in busy,
And learn to accept all changes
Because we have grown…
We have grown.

‘Missed’ Calls

Imported liquor
At the tip of my tongue
4:30, thirsty
Ringing, on silent
To tell me no one’s on the other end of the line.
But the screen suddenly beams
As did her smile
At the nameless stranger
Who’s anticipated words
Will act like compass
To inform her in the change of winds
Direct,
Elsewhere but here.
Here,
There she was
Finally compassed
Compressed, by suffocating air
Greetings
As darkness envelopes
Welcomes her
Here,
Back here,
Where she spends another night hoping
Hopelessly hoping,
For (a dear) life.


Like most people, the first encounter with poetry (music aside) is during our early days of elementary school in English class. I was not particularly a fan of poetry: limericks, haikus, acrostic… very structured and specific poetry. However, even though these types of poems are structured, I did not find them difficult to write. But what I did find challenging was free verse. The oddity in this may already question your mind and in response to your curiosity, it’s simply because there’s no limit to writing free verse. It’s open to any subject, structure and nothing is deemed incorrect.

At the time, even if free verse was my cup of tea, I did not find reason to write outside of class assignments. I suppose I was busy with indulging in mischievous and childish acts instead.

If I remember correctly, it wasn’t until grade 11 when poetry reintroduced itself. This time, it was when slam poetry was beginning to emerge outside four corners and into YouTube videos. My sister was the first person to send me a link and to this day, the feeling of thrill and respect I had when I first watched/listened to a slam, remains the same.

From that year on, I kept writing poetry. I found that writing short free verses (such as the one above) came naturally and quickly. However, I always desired to write beyond my forté and to this day, I have yet to write a slam poem. I don’t know if I’ll ever get there but to be honest, just posting my poetry online is already a huge step for me.

My poetry is very personal and intimate, making it difficult to share with the world. I’ve made several attempts to publish my poetry in blogs, but I always find myself deleting or keeping them under ‘only me’ privacy settings. I suppose it’s difficult to share them with an audience that knows me and since poetry is open to interpretation, judgment inevitably lingers. If I speak for everyone, judgment is unpleasant. But, not criticism.

Very little people enjoy poetry or even understand it. To some extent, even if poetry (as I mentioned) is open to interpretation, there is still a ‘right’ interpretation: the author’s. I seldom find people to share poetry with and even if I do, it’s scary to reveal yourself in such a manner. Therefore, after some ‘logical’ thinking, sharing my poetry through the internet may put me better at ease in desiring to ‘put myself out there’ and hopefully, receive constructive criticism for it.

I don’t know how much attention this post (or my blog entirely) will even receive, but if there’s at least one person out there that enjoys it, I may consider publishing more in the future. Don’t be scared, I accept comments.

Oh, before you leave (you nameless stranger who never called me… I kid), I just thought I’d share my excitement for a poetry class I signed up for in the upcoming school year. I am heavily convinced that it leans towards a more analytical approach as opposed to writing, but no good writer exists without becoming a good reader first. And that’s my gift of optimism to you after such a gloom poem.

A plus tard et avec l’amour!